I hope you’ve all had a chance to read my two recent guest posters – Alicia and Christine. Please let me know if you would be interested in sharing some of your recovery or life changing experiences on SATC!
As for me, things are settling down at work for the time being. My headaches continue to rage. Studying for exam number two is about to ramp up. Still in the decision making process about returning to graduate school or not. I know it sounds silly to study for this exam again if I’m still not sure I even want to back to school, but it’s all about creating options and choices. Luckily my sobriety has allowed me to succeed in my professional life to the point where I have such choices. Amazing!
Next month I will celebrate 4 years sober. It’s been such a marathon of anniversaries in my network lately, although I suppose because my network is so big there is always someone celebrating! I have to say – the summer was a great time to get sober. I still view the year starting in the fall and ending in the summer, rather than starting in January. Years and years of being in school engrained that in me I think. So getting sober in the summer allows one to start the new year off fresh! However, I’m a firm believer that ANYTIME is a good time to get sober. You can start your life over any time you want.
About this time four years ago I was in the beginning of my relapse. I woke up one morning, decided that I was 21, living in NYC for the summer and therefore I should be able to drink just like everyone else. Afterall, I thought, it was just alcohol. How much harm could it do? Well it made me crazy is what it did. And the first night I was texting around to relapsing addicts I knew trying to get drugs. The first night. It was clear to me that alcohol wasn’t working for me and in the end it’s not what I really wanted. By the grace of God I never did find drugs during my 3-4 week relapse. And by the grace of God I was able to return to the program, fully surrender and stay sober since then. Some people say that relapses always teach you something. What it taught me was that I could choose to drink and be miserable or I could choose to be sober and be free.
That is not to say that I haven’t been miserable in sobriety – I have been miserable many times, sometimes for months and months. The difference is that when I’m sober I get to make the choice to sit in my misery or walk in the solution. If I drink or use I don’t have that choice. And today, a relapse wouldn’t mean misery – it would mean death for me. I wouldn’t lose my apartment, my job, my friends, my family – I would lose my life. That is my belief and I’m sticking to it. So as long as I don’t want to die, I will stay sober. In order to stay sober I need to go to meetings, call my sponsor everyday, do service, do my stepwork, call a newcomer, etc. I need to be reminded of the destruction of my past and the promise of my future. I need to be taught how to live more comfortably in the gray.