On Friday I had dinner with Leo. We ordered from this amazing place called Moonpies? Delicious! I can still have red meat or turkey for dinner during this phase of my raw food transition so we ordered salads topped with their steak. It was incredible. Then I had girl’s night out with Caron – we saw Something Borrowed.
We originally thought would be a blend between He’s Just Not that Into You and Bride Wars but it turned out to be a great movie all on its own. So please go see it. Jim, from The Office was so funny I nearly peed my pants. Also, during the movie Caron decided we should do a choreographed BFF dance at my wedding. Fingers crossed I ever HAVE a wedding!
I went to bed for 7 hours and then got up to catch the train home to meet my newborn niece and see my family for the weekend! I was so excited the train was way too slow. Speed up, Thomas! Finally my brother put the little peanut in my arms and she was so precious and teeny weeny. I just stared at her in my arms for an hour or two. Even when someone else was holding her or when we put her in the swing for a nap I couldn’t get further than a foot or two away. She was like a magnet, I just wanted to be close by to soak in the adorableness. My brother asked me to be her Godmother. WOO HOO! He goes, “Don’t worry you don’t have to go to church or anything, we barely do. Just means if anything ever happens to us, you get step in!” Good thing I already have my outfit to the Christening planned out!
In all seriousness, it is an incredible honor and blessing to be asked to be her Godmother. This time it’s just me. Her old brother has two Godmothers and two Godfathers. This time it’s just me as the Godmother and one of their friends as the Godfather. Talk about feeling special. For anyone who doesn’t know what a Godparent is, it’s basically someone who watches out for the little one throughout her whole life. Technically at the Christening (Baptism) you pledge to make sure they will be raised in a Christian home, but in many cases it’s just like having another adult in the child’s life to help them grow up. I have two Godmothers and a Godfather and I definitely have had special relationships with each of them. Not so much lately, but when I was a kid for sure.
Of course I would love her and watch out for her just as much as if I was simply an Aunt, but for some reason it means a whole lot to me to be asked to be her Fairy Godmother! I think the reason it means a lot to me is because it is just another piece of evidence that I am a valued member of my family today. That my presence and participation in my family matters today. I heavily withdrew from all things family-related when I was in high school and just beginning my journey in addiction, but the outcome of that was always negative. In college I tried to maintain some sort of contact so they wouldn’t think anything was abnormal and I could continue to self-destruct as I pleased. That worked until everything stopped working.
I was never honest or open with them until I was in recovery and learned the value and importance of honesty. Recovery has given me a relationship with my family that I have never known before. I wasn’t the kind of addict who destroyed family events, occasions. I didn’t even steal very much from them. I overused a credit card a few times, spent my allowance on drugs and strategically sniped pain killers from the medicine cabinets every so often but no one ever said anything about it. I didn’t run off with the television set or wreak significant havoc. I never did those things because I didn’t want anyone to find out what I was doing to myself. I knew that if they found out they would get me help when I didn’t want it. I knew if they found out I would have consequences I wasn’t ready to face. They loved me so much I decided to keep lying and lying until I was ready to get better myself.
I have learned in recovery that no matter what kind of childhood you have, no matter how wonderful or terrible your family is, we all have the same disease. Too much love, not enough. Too much money, not enough. Too much freedom, not enough. Too much opportunity, not enough. The truth is our families did they best they could with what they had. And my strong independent, strong-willed, stubborn nature led me to never want to show weakness, to never ask for help. To be honest, I’m not sure what I would have done differently if I were my parents. I think addiction is too strong for any parenting method.
The past is the past and today is my present. Today I have a relationship with my family that isn’t always perfect, but it has grown leaps and bounds since my recovery began. Today I am blessed to be a productive member society and a valued member of my family.