I Love You, Baby Girl

The anticipation is killing me! My baby niece is being born today via C-Section around 10am! It’s been 55 minutes since 10am and I haven’t heard a peep from my brother yet. Wish I was there to hold everyone’s hands today and give out hugs! It’s a blessing to be a part of my family today. To have people want to text and email and call and share their joy with me.

I already know her name and it’s beautiful. I want to cuddle with her and kiss her forehead and promise to be her Cool Aunt from New York City forever. I want to take her shopping for her first doll. I want to take her to Tiffany’s and giver her my love for diamonds. I want to teach her how to dance, to play soccer, to sing, to laugh, to dream. I want to give her the world. She’s not even my baby but she is my baby at the same time.

My brother is loud and funny. His wife is quiet in groups of people but opens up with me. My brother always tells me after I leave from a visit how much his wife enjoys my company and feels like she could tell me anything. It makes me feel warm inside. I knew from the moment I met his wife that she was the one. She made him smile, she wasn’t nervous, she didn’t try too hard to impress anyone. She is serene and loving and quiet. And she balances out my anxious brother. The pair is much older than I, remember – I am the accident baby of my family.

My brother is my biggest supporter in my recovery. He watched Rachel Getting Married and subsequently told me I was a boring addict. That I wasn’t as drama-filled as the sister in the movie. Ah, yes, brother of mine, I kept all my pain inside. I hid my actions, I wanted to slowly self destruct and disappear without a trace. But my family loved me too much for that. I couldn’t slip away and leave them behind, even with their flawed sense of honesty and openness.

I come from the kind of family that doesn’t openly criticize, that is polite and caring but never truthful if the truth would hurt you. Very early on I learned not to express pain or hardship. This wasn’t an instruction, it was just the vibe that I got. My sister described our family dynamic as passive aggressiveness a few years ago. It was interesting to me that she felt it too. I think my brother had a very different childhood though. He was the first born and he is incredibly close with both of my parents. I think that’s why I feel the most comfortable talking to him about my recovery.

Both of my siblings have struggled with their emotions and anxiety but never turned to self-destruction the way that I did. It’s probably because we were never taught how to feel our feelings. I will tell my niece it is OK to cry, to laugh, to scream, to be hysterical if she wants to be, needs to be. I think my brother and his wife have the parenting thing covered, but I want to be that one person in her life she can talk to about anything. Boys. Love. Heartbreak. Friends. Stress. Trouble. Survival.

I love her and I don’t even know her.

Is family important to you today?

***Update: Baby N.H. was born right after I posted this at 7 lbs 7 ozs and she is sooo cute!



Filed under Love, Recovery

6 responses to “I Love You, Baby Girl

  1. This is such an incredible, sweet, heartwarming post. 🙂 Congratulations on your growing family!!!

  2. Congratulations Auntie! I’ve had this title for years and all my nieces have a special bond with me. They tell me everything, sometimes even more than I want to know, but they need a source they can confide in besides their parents. You will be a very cool Auntie I’m sure. Family no matter how dysfunctional it is is important. They not only give you DNA they help create you mentally. I have two older brothers and the three of us are all different, yet we seem to balance one another out. Neither one of them likes to talk about my recovery. They pretend it was a “phase” I was going through, and keep their feelings covered up. Since I’ve walked the road of AA I don’t hide feelings anymore. I throw them all out there. Another aspect of family for me is my relationship with my children. They have all supported me so much in my recovery, and I treasure that they are not ashamed of me. And most of the time your family is just doing the best they can with what they have….

  3. Congrats on becoming an aunt!!

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