Caron’s wedding this weekend was so amazing – I promise to write a well-thought-out post about it! As for today, I will give you a play by play of my struggles with raw food last week and how I felt as if I was counting days of sobriety again.
Clarissa’s Life, 4 PM Thursday April 28, 2011:
This morning I told you my task for the next week was to eliminate bread and related bread products, eat all fruit for one meal, all veggies for another and dinner is whatever I want? I realize most of you guys comes for my insight into recovery and my sober adventures in NYC fun, but look, this Raw Diet Detox is all I can think about at the moment. So bare with me! I promise I won’t tell you every. single. day. what I eat.
Breakfast: Bottle of Orange Juice (Tropicana, so not necessarily raw with too much sugar!), Sun Warrior Protein mixed with water (I need to get almond milk for this).
Snack: Cup of berries – blueberries, raspberries, blackberries
Lunch: Salad with: cucumbers, carrots, celery, green peppers. Dressing was lemon juice with salt and pepper in it. I realized iodized salt is a no-no in raw diets. I’m still confused about pepper.
Snack: Raw Cashews from the store downstairs. They didn’t have non-roasted almonds. Turns out cashews are steamed when harvested? So these are questionable too.
Beverages: Lots of water, one Coke Zero (I’m weaning myself off caffeine, people. Relax)
Dinner: WHATEVER I FLIPPING WANT! Except…no white foods, nothing fried, no dairy, and probably no chicken.
Conclusions…this is really hard and I would like a cheeseburger and/or cookie stat. I feel like when I was newly sober and counted the minutes on the clock, 5 minutes gone, 30 minutes gone, 1 hour gone. I feel antsy. I want carbs, I miss cheese, I really really want chicken. It’s been maybe 18 hours since I’ve eaten anything other than fruit, vegetable or a nut and I’m crawling in my own skin. I was sleeping for 9 of those hours, by the way. I think the only thing that is holding me together is the knowledge that I get to eat cooked food for dinner after 6pm.
This is what happens to an addict or a child, you tell them they can’t have something and they want it more than they’ve ever wanted anything in their entire life. Parents definitely understand this phenomenon. You must not stay out later than 10pm. Kid comes home at 11pm out of pure defiance. Most kids grow out of it. Some are like me. I waited 15 years to defy my parents and once I had that first taste of rebellion I was off to the races. The world says: Just Say No. I said Yes, Yes, Yes more times than I like to remember.
In recovery, I have never been told “You can’t do this.” I have only been given suggestions not to do things and presented with evidence of why I should CHOOSE not to do something. I have a choice today. Just like not drinking is a choice I make everyday, so is eating raw. No one is forcing me to eat raw today. It was a suggestion and I am taking it. With 80% force for now. When I take a breath and remember that I am choosing to do this regardless of feeling uncomfortable, it’s easier. Sure, I can have a bowl of ice cream and a roasted chicken. Is that going to help me feel better? No. Today my life is full of choices. It’s up to me to choose the best ones. It’s also up to me to choose the wrong ones.
What do you do with your choices today?