Morning kidlits! Another fabulous story from my weekend is about to unfold…
A month or two ago I bought two Groupons for 75% off a 60 minute massage at a place in my neighborhood that a friend raves about. Last week I decided to make an appointment for Saturday afternoon. I was so excited because A. I love massages and B. It was so inexpensive for NYC. So after I finishing another practice exam (30 points lower than last week – sadface) I headed over to the spa.
I get up the stairs to the reception area and wait for about 10 minutes. They had snacks on the table which was nice. Other people came in with their Groupons as well. Sweet! My appointment was with a man and although this doesn’t make me entirely comfortable, I am secure enough to know that I’ll be fine and he’s probably somewhere along the lines of… gay. He takes me up another flight of stairs to the treatment room where birds were chirping over the soundsystem. Very soothing.
He tells me to get undressed except for my underwear and lie on my stomach under the blanket and he would come back when I was settled. It felt like I was lying under there forever. Finally he comes back in and starts to warm up my back. It was ok, but I’ve always had massage therapists that would do things symmetrically: start with the whole back, along the spine, do each shoulder, each arm, each hand, etc. He was not following any pattern whatsoever.
This is not me and I did not look this happy
All the sudden it felt extremely hot, like he was rubbing burning lotion in streaks on my back. I realized after a few minutes that he was using hot stones. I should have realized this earlier, but I did not request a “hot stone” massage. It actually felt pretty good when I realized what it was. But then he ran a hot stone all the way down my left arm and left it in my hand. It felt like a fireball was burning layers and layers of skin off my palms. I panicked. I could just see the red hole of burning flesh that I would find after he was done. I am one of those people that hates to say anything when I am having services done – pedicure, manicure, even when waitresses serve me the wrong food. I always feel bad about complaining – I am SUCH a people pleaser. So I stayed quiet and politely moved the stone to the table and out of my burning palm of flesh. Of course I realized he was going to this with my other hand and took that thing off right away.
I wanted to do this.
When he moved to my legs, I think he actually washed my feet with what felt like some sort of squeegee. Sanitary I suppose, but totally gross feeling. So the leg part was pretty awful and I felt like he wasn’t keeping enough blanket on top of my… down under region. He did manage to work out some tension in my calves I didn’t know I had.
Suddenly I felt the blanket come completely off me. Granted, I was lying on my stomach and all necessary items were covered, but I didn’t know what was happening. “Time to turn over” I heard him say. I peered up and saw that he was holding the blanket in front of him like a shower curtain so he couldnt see anything. Phew. I turned over and he laid the blanket across my frontal region. He did his top-part-of-the-leg routine. It was possibly worse than the back-part-of-the-leg routine.
Then, the worst part of the whole 60 minutes happened.
He moved over to the side of the table and uncovered my stomach. My pelvic and chest region were still covered. He then started to massage my stomach. WHAT??! I have never in my entire life had anyone massage my stomach. What tension do my organs hold? Ugh, it was so incredibly uncomfortable I can’t even describe to you how awful it was.
Plus, my abs do not look like this.
To finish off the worst massage ever, instead of rubbing my T-zone and temples on my head he just pressed super hard into like three different spots. I was so relieved when he was done. I got dressed with all this grainy lotion all over me, checked out at reception and ran out of there as fast as I could. Immediately after my appointment, I had to meet a fellow bridesmaid for the September wedding for coffee for the first time . I felt so out of sorts because of the massage she probably thinks I’m a nutjob. Ok, more of a nutjob than usual.
I can’t believe how awful it was. I am hoping that it was just a bad experience with the specific massage guy and not a reflection of the Spa itself. My friend raves about it, so if I dare go back to use my 2nd Groupon – I will make sure to schedule with the woman she normally sees and hope for the best. I decided not to name the spa directly, so they don’t get any bad press. I really am a people pleaser.
Have you ever had an awful massage experience?